September 2008

In September, it was decided that Sutent wasn’t working. Mom was ready to stop altogether. The last 4 years had taken their toll and she was tired of fighting. This was so hard for me to accept. They wanted her to try one more clinical trial. She took it for about 6 weeks (Torisel).

"""Excerpt From Journal September 2, 2008: Yesterday she told me she wasn't sure she wanted to fight it anymore. I have been alternating between crying my eyes out and trying to be supportive. I just wanna SCREAM! And be selfish and say!NO! Damn it. You're not allowed to give up!!! My kids need their Grannni. You can't just let it win. And yet what do you do when the person who is sick just doesn't wanna go through what it takes to fight it. Like I said before, the Torisel stopped working and they wanna put her on some seriously strong chemo, but they weren't really specific about how much growth there's been, etc. She's tried so many things... been through so damn much over the last five years... she's worried that the 4 months they gave here won't change and that she'll spend those 4 months miserable and sick to the "inevitable end". She said she'd rather spend those 4 months up and doing what she wants. MD Anderson is really great, but I am a little peeved at them right not. Aren't they supposed to present the treatment to her in a big box that has HOPE written on it??!?!?!?”””

"""Excerpt from September 3, 2008: “”Well, she talked to the doctor today. Why the hell didn't they tell her any of this before?!? It's in her lungs now. They thought it was just nodules before, but it's more defined now. Definitely in her right lung. And the largest one on her liver is now 9.8 cm x 6 cm. That's the biggest of the 2. She had 5 going into this so I guess all her 5 years of treatments did buy her time, just not a cure... and not enough time by me... but I'm not ungrateful... just ... you know...
They told her that this chemo is actually tolerated quite well, so she is going to try it. (I'm glad.) They also told her it is the last thing that's available to her. She's tried everything else. They are (obviously) aiming for stabilization now, not a cure. There are no cures for kidney cancer.
::Deep breath::
She starts on Friday. It's actually a chemo cocktail, so a pill a day and an infusion every two weeks. I just want her around for Christmas (and New Years, and Easter, and my kids' birthdays...). She will be rescanned at Halloween. Boo.””